Last nite I had a dream...I didnt even think much about it until the dream suddenly came back to my mind during the train journey to work this morning.
Before the dream, my dear friend August sent me a song by Kutless, titled 'What Faith Can Do', to encourage me. This song ministered to her, and she hoped that it will do the same to me. The thing is, I heard this song before (think from klove.com which had kept me company during the wee hours of nite when I was studying for exams last semester). Though the song is familiar to me, I had NEVER heard it like this. All the lyrics speaks out to me like they are dancing right to my face.
It's not so much about how apt this song is to the current circumstances... I mean, I had been trying to keep going back to God's Words, songs etc, to find encouragement for so long now...(I had walked quite far from him about 2 yrs ago..) but everytime, the songs and Words are just static. Nothing. Nothing stands out to me, nothing touched me like this song did to me last nite.
The lyrics talked about how everybody falls sometimes, but we gotta
find the strengh to rise, dun give up now...he had seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that never ends, miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered...it doesn't matter what you've heard, impossible is not a word...
"Impossible is not a word..."..."It doesn't matter what you've heard..."...
I thought about pa. It doesn't matter what the doctors said, what the medical reports shows. Impossible to recover? No.....Faith does not recognize this word. Impossible to have a miracle? No...Faith WILL perform miracles.
Bank accounts shows almost constant lack. It seems impossible to get out of this financial stress. I mean, it has been SO MANY YEARS!! But no...Faith says it IS possible.
Like what Beauty sings in her starting debut in 'Beauty & the Beast' movie..."There MUST be more than this provincial life...!" (Just watched this with Petra over the weekend) It IS possible! Faith said so!
I listened to the song by Kutless a few times last nite before I went to bed. Then I had the dream........
I dreamt that I was somewhere, with a classroom setting, and then out of a sudden, a line of people came past me - they were one after another, like in a queue, but all moving along and all seemed very joyful, a very happy line of people. Then I realised that they were actually my poly group of friends. THEN I saw Jane. She tapped me, and said a very happy "HI!", then went on happily down the line following the rest. I was speechless to see her! My mind was whirling with these thoughts: "I thot u...???" "How can it be...???" I looked at one of my other poly classmate Kristy (I think it was her in the dream) who was behind in the line of happy ppl, and she signaled a "Ya! Believe it or not, she is back!" to me.
Then I saw Yi Ting running into the room coming towards me shouting excitedly "Jane is resurrected!!" Yes she is resurrected!!"
Why did I dream of Jane all of a sudden? Why did I dream of Yi Ting too?
Lyrics: Everybody falls sometimes You gotta find the strength to rise From the ashes and make a new beginning Anyone can feel the ache You think its more than you can take But youre stronger, stronger than you know
And dont you give up now The sun will soon be shining You gotta face the clouds To find the silver lining
Ive seen dreams that move the mountains Hope that doesnt ever end Even when the sky is falling Ive seen miracles just happen Silent prayers get answered Broken hearts become brand new Thats what faith can do
It doesnt matter what youve heard Impossible is not a word Its just a reason for someone not to try Everybodys scared to death You may decide to take that step Out on the water But itll be all right
Life is so much more Than what your eyes are seeing You will find your way If you keep believing
Overcome the odds When you dont have a chance (Thats what faith can do) When the world says you cant It will tell you that it can
Realized that it has been almost a year since I last updated on my blog. Blogging is like going to the gym...once you start and the momentum is there, you wun find it a drag. But once you stop it's seems SOOO hard to start again!
Neways... decided to drop an update here. Not for anyone else in the world to read. It's just so that it's a reminder for myself down the road, on what happened in my life.
Since May 2009, many developments in my life. For one, studies has continued into the 3rd semester. 2nd sem's hardwork kinda paid off with the exact same results as 1st sem: 1 HD, 1 D, and 1 CR. The Credit is a disappointment. But I think it's not too bad in comparison to some classmates who are satisfied with a credit transcript. 3rd sem has come and almost gone. The rush for projects was just over. Now is to start exam revision. I am getting quite physically and mentally tired to push for all Ds and HDs again. But I will still try my best. I pray that God will continue to be with me, and give me the strength and capacity and wisdom to study. And I pray that the hardwork will pay off once again. :)
Also, I have finally shifted away. Away from PR, away from what was making my life so miserable for almost 1.5 years. As a result, I am a much happier person; my weekends are fruitful. Time with the kids are too precious to let anything else steal it away from me. I don't get to be part of a life I dun wish to be part of anymore. Finally. It has been more than 6 months, and I am still feeling it every time I think about it. =S I am honestly much happier now. :)
Anyway, participated in an Easter Day celebration with the kids' school last Thursday. It was really meaningful for me. I'm not sure about them though but Rian seems to be enjoying himself watching the magic show and listening to the bible story. Petra was just sticking to me like a super glue. But it was sweet. :) Want to bring the kids back to church.. but more so, for myself to go back to church. I miss God sooo much. I miss worshipping sooo much. I miss being part of Church. Now I feel quite detached. Sigh.. again, it's like going to the gym. Once you start attending, you get the momentum, it's easy. In fact, after that, you would WANT to attend. Now I feel it's so difficult to bring myself there. I keep having concerns such as: wat if we bump into them there? wat if the kids are not used to it? I dun want to leave them in the children's church, because I want to hear God's word together with them. Not they listen, and we listen - at separate locations. I dunno... we shall see...
Now that I've started blogging I hope I will continue. If I dun, it's just being lazy. Just like going to the gym. Just like going to Church. No excuses are good excuses. =P
I know some of my dear frens are quite worried after reading the previous posts that I put up.. well... many many things have happened since the last post, and you will be happy to know that things have become better.
Should be better.... I think
The past months' happenings are still very raw, and I am still not totally sure I can give up all that I had been fighting for and go back to 'normal'. Well, if 'normal' is good, then I think things are definitely getting better. To fight for what I want, all I have to do is to make a decision. But it will change my life totally and I am not sure if I will be able to handle it, and if I will walk down that path and find myself regretting it.
Anyway, I am kinda happy now.. the kids are happy, the man is happy..
The past weeks were TERRIBLE weeks. Terribly busy. Have been spending very little time with the kids when I was burying my head in my books getting ready for exams. Then exams are over, and was busy with work stuff. But I am happy and relieved that all my efforts have yielded good results.
Just received the results of my project assignments today, and was thrilled (but totally surprised) that my group got 1 Distinction and 2 High-Distinctions for the 3 modules this semester. Do we really have substance?? haha.
Got to know alot about people in just the past months compared to what I could have gathered and learnt in the past years put together. Maybe more about that next time.
For now these are just some thoughts for the day... =)
so long. too long. without a word. too much have happened.
tired of people. tired of sharing. tired of well-meaning friends who just wants me to be well. sick of them trying to advise me with a whole load of advices. advices which i don't need. and don't want.
right and wrong. who is to say what i should do? who felt what i have been feeling? who can judge me? no one except myself had been thru all that ive been thru. and felt the constant swirl of emotions that have been tormenting me.
who is to say what is good for my future.
what is love. what is fair. for too long i've not been living my life. but if to live my life is to leave, is that right.
WHAT IS RIGHT?
regrets? at a crossroad. will i have regrets choosing this path. but who is to know what the future holds.
emotions. no one, not even the closest frens can feel a fraction of what ive been feeling.
things happened. am i the willing party. people judge too easily. no one but myself felt it. skepticism. that's all i got. who knows me more than myself? there's one. God. so don't tell someone u know her when u know nothing at all.
granted, those who have been heartbroken will know what is right. they think they know. u shouldnt.
to stay just so that someone will not be heartbroken. is that fair. for the rest of your life? we are either at the giving or receiving end. only 2 ways it can go.
what i want. what do i want.
another chance. not really what i want.
at the end of life's journey. what do we want to leave with us. what experiences.
This is wat happens when everything she does revolves around herself, and because of that, she expects her family members to take care of everything else that she is responsible for, but can't do. U know wat I mean..??
When we are all stretched beyond our means to help, HER PARENTS being parents, feel obliged to help. Then who and where does the burden fall on???
US.
Becos her parents are staying at our house, we will have to bear having even more people staying at our house from time to time, all because she has to go on "overseas trips". And I seriously doubt it's business-related even though she keeps telling her parents she is either attending conferences, going to see her suppliers, etc, etc. Wat a load of BULL!! She is just a mere sales person selling tiles at some small company! Please. Get the picture. My gosh, really, her parents are too blinded by her. Whenever she goes away, she'll leave her maid and 2 toddlers with her parents - WHO ARE STAYING WITH US. How on earth can anyone not feel this is not imposing?? NINE people staying in a 5-rm HDB flat. That's not enough. Add 3 more. 12 pax??? If the ministry were to do a random house check on us, honestly I think we will be fined for overcrowding.
We will have to bear her unreasonable accusations of us (us meaning my hubby, and I believe I'm definitely also one of the accused, even though they've never dared to say it right into my face) not extending help to her "when help is needed".
Honestly, has she ever in any way, helped us?? It's all about her. Her her her. Of course, if life is all about her, then everyone else is just existing in this world to help her out when she needs help, and to pick up her shit when she messed up. And she messed up oh-so-often.
PRIORITY is one word she needs to learn. I am beginning to believe that her parents omitted this word when she was growing up hence she doesnt have a clue what this is.
SACRIFICE is another. I mean, it should come naturally with maternal instincts no matter how lowly educated one is??
RESPONSIBILITY is the third. Being inferior in this area only accentuates how much she loves to blame everyone else for everything.
KNOWING YOUR RIGHTS is a topic which she is an EXPERT on. Oh yes, she knows her rights very well. Her rights under the Women's Charter when claiming monetary items from her husband whom she is going thru a divorce with now. This, she STUDIED and RESEARCHED on meticulously making sure no charter is missed out.
Oh and something else too - her rights as a daughter. She never failed to use this right on her parents.
Some people asked me why I am so bothered by her? Well, for the record, I seriously don't care. Just as long as you lead your life, and I lead mine. But IF ONLY it's so clear cut. Nooooo.... this is more of a 'She leads her life, and intrude into mine' case. That's why I care.
What would you do when you marry into this family? I am very tempted on quite a few occasions to walk out with my kids. Are you surprised to hear this coming from me (for frens who know me personally...)? It's not my hubby's fault. Definitely. I know. But............... as long as I'm with him, his family's problems will keep intruding into our lives. There's no 2 way about it. He's tired with his family too, but they are his family. This fact stays with him for as long as they live. I'm tired of all these too. But I have a choice. I can leave. Can't I?
I think one sure sign that Rian is growing up is how he reacts to us when we lecture him when he was naughty..
Rian loves sweets. If he had the chance, he would eat candies as his main meals. Of course as parents we would not give in to his every request/whims for candies, especially before meals. Last evening I asked what he wanted to have for his dinner and came his usual reply "SWEETS ... POTATO CHIPS...!" I must be in one of my moods too, because I would usually remind him firmly but maintaining an even tone of voice, that no sweets/chips are allowed before dinner, but instead I lost my patience. (I thought: Why doesn't he understand no matter how many times I said it???)
So I raised my voice at him. His reaction to my anger surprised me. He looked at me, and without a word, took hold of his baby sister's push cart which was next to him, and pushed it hard against the wall and walked out of the room.
Granted, he has his rights to be upset with me for not giving him what he demanded. But at such a tender age of three, I think his action needs to be put right. He needs to know that such outward display of anger is totally unacceptable. If I don't put him right when he is still young, he might jolly well go out of hand when he grows older.. So I gave him time out in his own room. For the record, I am seldom the one who disciplines the children at home. So to do that I had to harden myself too. But he has to learn. Respect for parents is something I expect my children to have.
He struggled with me as I half carried half dragged him into his room (his legs went limp and he refused to walk!). So there he was, sobbing uncontrollably in his room as I left him alone to think about what he has done. I went in after 2 mins, he was still sobbing on his bed. Talked to him about his actions, and I knew he understood that he was wrong, and what I was telling him. But when he was asked to apologize, he simply refused to open his mouth. (This young boy sure has his pride!)
So the time out was extended by 2 more mins as I asked him to think about whether he wants to say sorry to mummy for his actions. Went in when time's up, and this time he apologized.
Sigh..... as usual.... every time when I found myself being really upset with the kids, I would be filled with guilt. Then I would spend the next few days thinking about the incident and wondering if I had done wrong, or if I had been too harsh.
I find myself getting upset with Rian more and more these days. He does things that get on my nerves more often now. Sometimes, I was really irritated! Am I a bad mother? Would any mother in this world be irritated with her own child? Was my mother this irritated with me when I was young and mischevious too? Some thoughts in my head as I can't help but feel really bad for my own emotions.
Being a mummy is really not an easy job. Lots and lots and lots of patience is needed. Wisdom too, to know how to raise them to be good people. I really need both.
Last 3 weeks were not-so-fantastic weeks. Some stuff happened at home which kinda turned the house upside down. Things got stabilized soon enough though, which proved that the statement "The world does not stop revolving for YOUR grief" is indeed true. But unfortunately some people are so self centered that they expect the entire world to stop revolving just for them! And the trouble that they are in are actually problems which they created - consequences which are a result of their own foolishness. And they are incapable of recognising it! Try to guide these people on the right path, to change their perception of things, and you'll realise that they are as hard to penetrate as a wall of stone. Not only that, they get angry and upset with you for not supporting them and being on their side!
I have one hope for these people - I hope that life will deal with you itself, and one day, your eyes will open and you'll look back and regret all that you have done. You will seek forgiveness from people whom you betrayed but you will get none, because you have missed the many chances given to you. When you have aged, you will realise that looks are superficial, for one day you will grow old like everyone else. You will realise that people who whisper sweet-nothings into your ears now are as superficial as you, for when they grew tired of you, you will be treated like how you are treating the one whom you are binded in the eyes of God and law. You will realise that people whom you claim are the ones who "really love and support" you now by allowing you to go your way even when they know you're wrong, are not really loving you. For if they do, they will put a hard stop to all your nonsense and give you a tight slap to wake you up from your slumber. They didn't, because they are foolish just like you. You will realise that those who seem not to be supporting you now are those whom you really should be listening to. Your exaggerations may be heard and admired by those who barely know you. Soon enough, all that you say and do will amount to nothing. People will recognise that it's all empty talk. Making a mountain out of a molehill. I hope life will teach you a good lesson.
As for you, I hope that after coming out, you will really start afresh. Half of your lifetime is already gone. It really is high time that you wake up. Stop blaming circumstances and people around you for where you are now. Accept the fact that where you are now is the result of your own choice! For all the problems that you get yourself into and which you habitually try to justify your actions for, you always have a choice! You just don't see it. You are always being controlled by your emotions. Talk about self control! How can you expect others to believe that you are a changed man when your actions just do not match up? You judge him and put him down. Why do you look at the speck in his eye and fail to notice the plank in your own eye?
OOOHHH... I so wish that you are out of my life! I so wish that you will stay away from me and my family! I really am sick of hearing about you / your life updates. I have more important things to do. I want to save my thoughts for people whom I love - my own family, babies, friends.
I can't believe that I am talking about different individuals but they are so alike! Such evidence of foolish blood being passed down from one generation to another! Stay away from me, my hubby and my babies!
Last Sunday evening Rian (my 3-year old toddler) came out of the bathroom after daddy bathed him, walked right up to me and hugged me tight from behind. I was sitting on the floor, eating my dinner mid-way. I knew something was wrong. I signalled hubby with my eyes and he said to me quietly that while bathing Rian, he told Rian about strangers and was teaching him how not to accept sweets or offers from people he do not know.
Rian, with all the knowledge that he has about the world that he lives in, became very apprehensive. That's why he came right out of the bathroom and hugged me.
Seeing him so nervous and trying hard to restraint from sobbing, I began to reassure him that no bad people will come near him because God is with him. God will never allow bad things to happen to him. Immediately he asked me to pray that all the bad people will go to the police station! haha. He's so cute.
But seeing him so worried totally melted my heart. Suddenly I've a fierce sense of need to protect and assure him.
It's the second time within a month that I felt a sudden and strong sense of need to protect someone. The last time was towards my hubby when I felt such injustice for him when I witnessed how unfairly he was being treated by his own father and sister. I stood up for him in front of them. It was my first time expressing myself this way directly to them. I will only do so when I'm driven to the extreme. That night was my cue that I have to say something.
How can a father want to hit his own son just to protect his own wayward daughter (whom I regard as a bloody bitch in every sense of the word)?? In fact, he told her in front of hubby and I, that if my hubby were a punching bag he would punch him right there and then. When I heard this, my blood was totally boiling with rage. No one touches my hubby! Not even you, 'dad'! I lost my respect for him that night. (I never had any respect for his sister to start with, with her kind of thinking, attitude and lifestyle.)
Today heard this song and became quite emotional.. not sure why. Perhaps it's nolstalgic... reminded me of the days when I was younger, all the things that I had done to my mother, made her upset, angry, disappointed over the years. And all she had done was to try to give my sis and I a good educational foundation, want me to be a better person. Looking back, I regretted certain things I did while growing up, and hoped that I could turn back time to do them better. I only hope that my babies will not grow up to hurt me like how I might have hurt my mother in the past. I think it will really break my heart.
Would my babies know that the 'lectures' that we give them are lectures of love? Would they accept our advices about life? Would they recognise and acknowledge the many sacrifices that I have made just for them? It's ok even if they don't, because that is the unconditional love that I have for them. I just hope that they will love me back in return. When they grow up, would they still want the stuff that I buy for them; the things that I will do for them? Or would they find me irritating or embarrasing and hope that they are not seen with me in front of their friends? Would they still want to hold my hand? These are just some of my thoughts after listening to this song.
Found the translation of this song from someone else's blog. Esp for readers who do not understand Chinese/Mandarin. Enjoy the song. Love your mothers.
It's wierd.. I used to be such a fervent blogger but now I seem to have nothing to blog about? There are loads of stuff happening in my life right now, many thoughts in my mind and different emotions swirling around inside me. Yet, nothing.
Does anyone know what I'm talking about? (haha..)
Maybe I'm thinking too much. What would people think about me if I talk about this... what will they think of me if I express myself a certain way? All because of an insensitive and blunt comment made to me by someone - and whom I barely even know! That is why I am more selective about whom I allow access to my blog. Especially this new blogsite....
Anyway, am hoping that soon I will get back my enthusiasm and momentum to record down my thoughts on my online diary!
Hubby gave her advices abt her life, she cant take it
Sis in law 'F' hubby, hubby FED UP flung calculator against e wall right next to her
Calculator smashed all over
Father in law threw himself on hubby, wanting to hit him, both almost fought
Me, Ah-ma n Ah-gu stepped in between them.
Sis in law just sat there.
Kids not around. Thank GOD.
Father in law shouted "I can't stay in this house any longer!"
(wow...finally someone said it out. At least hubby n I do not need to voice it out now.)
He told Ah-ma, Ah-gu, sis in law "We'll all combine name to buy another house!" "Never mind if we all squeeze in a 3-room flat!"
(ya right, as if your high-maintenance daughter wants to stay with you, especially when she has to squeeze into a 3-room flat with all of you! As if YOU have the finances to buy a house. Empty and arrogant talk.)
Fine by me. That's even better. I cant wait for THE DAY when I'll have my own place to stay anyway.
No in-laws at night when I go home from work, no in-laws during the weekends, no in-laws when I take leave just to be with my kids, no in laws at all!
Did a video shoot for my company today. Got roped in to help cos I helped in a recent launch event and Corp Comm needed to interview a few volunteers.....
Right after I agreed to be interviewed I kinda regretted. I got myself into yet another 'stressful' situation! Haiz.. trust me to be soooo 'helpful'.
Anyway for a full hour before my shoot, I actually sat at my office desk and did nothing but wrote and re-wrote on a piece of paper my answers to the questions that they will be asking me. Thank God the questions were given to us before the shoot. When the hour is up and it's my turn, I was quite satisfied with the answers that I had perfected over the last 60mins. I think my politically-correct answers would not cause me any problems when the video is shown to the 'Authorities' for approval.
Then came the time when I was introduced to the camera man, the sound man, the Director, etc. They were nice.. all smiling and quite encouraging. The Director even asked me if I prefer to sit on a high chair or stand. The inexperienced me said without missing one beat - I think I'll stand please. The Director looked at me a while and said, Why don't you try sitting down - it'll be more relaxed..
OK, I said, thinking why didnt he just ask me to sit down in the first place instead of giving me options.
They took some time to set up the 'stage' and finally the interview started. The questions that the Director asked were so different from what we were asked to prepare for! But as he was a nice guy, he asked the first few questions just to make us relax and be more at ease...as time passes, it actually became easier to answer those questions. For questions which requires more specific answers (just for the recording purposes), he actually advised how to answer them and what words to use etc etc. It was quite enjoyable, really.
This Director guy (think his name is Jay) is quite sweet. Kinda like him. In the middle of the shoot somehow the topic of me having a boyfriend came up casually and I told him I already have kids... and I thought he looked surprised. After the shoot ended, he asked 'So.. u've kids already? You must have married very young.' Then he said 'So this means that there is no chance for any of us here already..'
Another of those moments where I had to give up knowing someone because I am married. Lots of 'lost opportunities' I would say. But at least I remain a clear conscience to God at the end of the day. Not like someone I know who, for the sake of partying and meeting new guys, decided to give up her role as a wife and mother to her two toddlers. Sad...For her husband and her children. That's another story which maybe someday I will record it down in my blog. =)
